The way I wish it could be…over and out

I sit laughing and joking about how much fun the shoot was, making fun of Thoon for tripping over the set even before we had began. He jokingly nudges me while carefully trying not to spill his drink on the floor. Even though the bar is quite full, the volume is just low enough to hear each other, but loud enough to not be heard by the other tables. The band plays on with the infectious songs that comfortably lull about the atmosphere of the smoky space. The drummer taps along with the beat, while we all discuss the photographers interesting approach to “artistic” view of the band’s “essence” as he put it. Thoon reminds us that photographer has done a lot of photography before with the band but knows his unique approach is not exactly always comfortable to endure, especially when he’s asking the guys to “get closer”. We laugh some more about it then finally Thoon says we need another round, maybe some shots. As I’m the newbie I guess it was down to me, I don’t mind as I kind of felt like getting up anyways.

I make my way over to the crowded bar, carefully manoeuvring around some of the already drunken inhabitants there. “Hey!” I call to the barmen, he looks up from carefully aligned shot glasses that he has just placed in front of some eagerly awaiting potential drunks. “Yo!” he yells back with equal enthusiasm. I become serious as possible and ask with as much sternness in my voice as I can muster, “hey what the f*ck man, this bar is sh*t what hell is wrong with you guys? I mean come on, where is the service with a smile huh?!?” Feeling the urge to smile, but I remain serious as possible. The barmen replies “Well then, you can f*ck off then, we don’t serve your type!” His response is equally harsh but I’m prepared to out do him “Oh yeah? You know what? I’ve heard Route have a better bar than this, they actually serve alcohol, not this lightweight cr*p”. Looking mildly offended, he tries to think of an insult to exceed me, but I can no longer keep the deaden straight face. I crack a smile and he does the same. We’re both in hysterics, “I thought you’d keep this going all night, guess not, b*tch” he laughs heartedly. “Oh come on you know I would of made you cry into the martinis” I return with a giggle. “How are you Bol? How’s everything going tonight?” He sighs “It was boring until you showed up, smiling he begins to look for the vodka, “Vodka and coke right?” I stop him from carrying on the usual, “No no, not tonight. I would like a round of tequilas for six please.” He looks at me inquisitively, “Who you with? Not the usual crowd by looks of the table…hey isn’t that..?” I intercept, just in case someone is following our conversation, “Yeah, yeah it is, sorry I haven’t got them to come meet you, kinda trying to keep their profile low here tonight, I wouldn’t want spoil it for them.” Bol pours the last shot of tequila and smiles “Ok, ok fine, keep them to yourself then. By the way are you all dressed up for them tonight? Which one are you after?” he grins bearing nearly all his teeth. “None of them surprisingly, I just work with them, they’re pretty decent, good friends too. They’re quite a fun bunch.” I pick up the tray of shots nod to the direction of my table, “Better get back, you know how rock stars without alcohol get.” Without waiting for Bol to try make an answer to my obvious rhetorical question, I make my way back to the table. However, I’m intercepted by someone dodging in my way. “Hey excuse me? Can I get past please?” the tall figure replies in a familiar low voice “Sorry.” The tall, lanky figure suddenly turns to face me, I cannot believe what I see. I realise the guy is also experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as I am. We both look at each other for a few seconds without saying a word, it feels like I’ve stepped out the bar into some empty room where only the guy and me are conversing in this non-verbal communication. I avoid his eyes. “Hi!” he says in a strange awkwardness of the situation. I’m suddenly swung back into the loud, bustling bar in downtown Bangkok. “Hey…” returning the greeting but meanwhile thinking of an escape route. “How have you been?” he asks for the general politeness of the meeting. “I’ve been good thanks, um…I didn’t move back to England despite your desperate attempts to persuade me too” I fake laugh. “Oh! I didn’t mean to try push you out the country,” he leans on the bar coolly. He ruffles his hair out of his face in a casual like way I remember seeing him do. He looks good, unfortunately. He seems at home at the bar, but its strange, I haven’t seen him in here before. The bar is kind of big so I come to the conclusion we just have not run into each other before here. “So are all those shots for you?” he annoyingly implies to the shot glass laden tray I am holding. He knows, I know, we know perfectly well that obviously I would not buy a tray full of tequilas for myself. “Um no, actually I’m here with some friends of mine, the tequila shots weren’t my idea but hey its Friday ni-” He cuts across my sentence with eagerness I wish he could have at least tried to politely cover. “Oh me too, yeah I better go find them.” And with that he steps away to find his table. I stand there wondering exactly what just happened, did I just run into Trent? Here? At this bar? On all the nights it could have been? Deciding that it was useless to contemplate the annoyingly absurdness of the situation I carefully re-adjust the tray and walk carefully back to the guys.

Without looking at their faces I apologise and set down the tray, “Hey I’m sorry the queue for the bar was long, Bol was being a bit of an arse when serving me…” I suddenly realise it is not just me who has arrived at the table but none other then the unwelcome earlier encounter. Obviously not listening to word I said Trent steps in, “Hey Jing this is Catastroph, you’ve heard of them right? They’re a band here in Thailand,” Trent says turning to me. Behind him, Thoon is trying hard not to laugh, seeing this I know exactly how to handle this embarrassment. “Oh! Really? Oh wow, no I totally didn’t know. Oh my god you’re what’s his name, the lead singer?!?!” acting as best as I can like one of the so many crazed fans I have seen Thoon having to deal with. Thoon for a second looks very confused but quickly realises whats going on, he changes his expression before Trent turns to back to him, he knows to play along. “Oh, yeah I am Thoon. You like our music?” This inside joke of ours seems to get picked up by the rest of the band, they join in with equal participation in the façade. Jok joins in with, “We have a new album coming out next week, if you would like a signed copy we could arrange that.” We all seem to have master to keep our inside smiles under wraps. “Oh really?!?! Oh wow, oh my god I just looooveeeee your music, I listen to it like everyday, you guys are soooo cool.” I can tell Trent is getting a little irritated in my actions, thinks I am pathetic and school girl like, but I know better then him at this point and so do the guys. “Hey do you come to this bar often? I think I would have remembered someone like you,” Thoon winks flirtingly. Trent seems a little shocked by this, but tries to act cool. “Oh really?” I reply flirting, “Well maybe I should come here more often then? How do you know Trent?” No longer being able to keep his silence Trent dives in, “Oh we’re old friends, played a couple of concerts together. You know the usual.” Thoon seems very close to blowing cover so he decides to end the placebo and come clean but not before giving it away in the most outrageous way, good ol’ Thoon. “Jing! JING! I’ve been looking for you for the whole of my life! I cannot live without you!! Marry me!!!” I begin to laugh and reply with “Oh course my darling, we will marry!” The whole band including Thoon burst out laughing and slap Thoon on the back. Trent looks confused and then suddenly realised the unmistakable truth. “So…so you guys know each other?” Jok takes this one, “Yeah of course we do, come on Trent you’re so slow, Jing is out new band member.” Don still laughing, interjects “Yeah she’s also been a friend of the group for a quite a while.” Trent not really sure what to make of this tries to find it funny too and asks a questions to sway from the situation. “So where you guys meet?” I decide I better explain this one, “Oh it was quite random, I was picked for an interview with Grammy, and it turned out they wanted me to join some music band, normally I would have said no to joining a band but when I heard it was Catastroph how could I say no? But the funny thing is a week before we were due to start rehearsing I bumped into Thoon in a bar, wait was it this one?” Thoon takes a gulp of his beer and puts it back on the table, “Ummmm noo it was Capricorn, yeah I remember you were hanging round the bar and thought I would try get your number haha, but then I realised I recognised you the potential new band member line up.” We all smiled, “yeah that’s how I met Thoon, met the rest of the band at the studio, was quite nervous before, but after meeting Thoon the worst was over” I laugh poking fun at Thoon. We carry on reminiscing about fun on the set and talking about the photographer for the third time that night. Trent in disbelief of my own networking sits drinking his beer. Thoon politely invites Trent into the conversation about asking about Trent’s tour dates etc. Suddenly Jok asks me, “Hey when is Dee getting here Jing?” I look at my watch and notice he should be here by now. “I don’t know, weird, oh I think I see him.” Trent asks curiously, “Who is Dee?” I smile and quite happily, almost moronically reply “He’s my boyfriend.”

Dee walks in looking quite happy to see everyone again, he always seems so relaxed and happy when we have get-togethers like this. “Heyyy sorry had problems leaving the studio, haha Thoon you were right, the managers an idiot sometimes.” They carry on their two way conversation for another five minutes or so. Dee turns to me to greet me hello, he hugs me and then kisses me with appreciation. Suddenly realising another person at the table, he looks round, “hi! Sorry my names Dee, what’s your name?” Trent bewildered by what he has just witnessed, replies slowly, “My name is Trent, I’m a friend of these guys.” Dee being the wonderful natured person he is carries on the conversation and drinks merrily away while holding my waist. He knows who Trent is, he knows the history we shared, he knows fully well what this guy is like, but of course to honour my intentions treats him with respect. I can tell Thoon does not understand why Dee seems so normal around Trent, but just goes along with it and suggests the long awaited shots with a sly smile.

The night ends with the bar clearing out slowly and we all decide to call it a night. Trent who had hardly touched his drink since he joined the table offers to drive some of us home. “Nah, its ok I’ve got to with these guys, who’s going to wake ’em up in the morning if I don’t?” Thoon laughs as he helps Jok walk or rather drag Don out the door. Dee turns to me, apologetically he says, “I’m sorry I can’t go with you tonight, I gotta crash at Noo’s, I’ll make sure you get to the taxi safe” he kisses me with every tenderness as if we were alone without the watchful eyes of the unwanted Trent audience.

“I can drive you home if you direct me to where you live, if you want that is…” I look at Trent in surprise, “Um…” but Dee steps in, “Oh that would be great, I don’t feel quite happy about her going home in a taxi alone, thanks Trent.” Trent nods, Dee holds my hand and says goodbye, gives me a look as if to say, “I think you should, its alright.” I nod and say goodbye.

Stepping in the car rushes back the memories of the first semester I ever had in ABAC and meeting the infamous Trent across the grassy lawn. However, I do not look on these memories with fondness that I once had for them before. I sit uncomfortably in the Honda as Trent reverses out the parking space. The uncomfortable conversational skills continue, “So you live in Phra Kanong now?” I glance at him with an unappreciated look. “Yeah, I moved in a few months ago, got a nice condo there.” He stares at the road but I can tell he’s mulling over his next prefixed question. “Um so how long you and Dee been together?” What type of question is that? “Um for about six months now” I glance at the empty road. “You happy?” I cannot believe these questions he is firing at me. “Um yeah, I am actually.” There is a moment of silence before Trent switches on his car stereo player.

We make it to my condo, the time being quite early in the morning now. I yawn and disconnect myself from the confinements of Trent’s car seatbelts. “Hey thanks for the ride, I’ll see you around sometime...”

“Jing don’t go,” I cannot believe what I’m hearing. “What?” I did not understand the tone in which Trent was using. “Don’t go I have something to say to you, I have some confessions to make…” I quickly reply “I don’t really want to hear what you have to say, I’m sorry but I’m not really up to being friends with you right now.” I knew it was uncalled for and harsh but I never pretended I wanted to be in the first place. “Hear what I have to say. Jing do you still care about me?” I did not get this, if I ever wanted to hear these words it would have been a year and a half ago when he had left me dangling alone for his unpredictable “career”. “Trent, what the heck is wrong with you? I know you’re not drunk. What the heck are you playing at huh? I’m with someone else now who I care about, what do you think I’m going to say?” Trent looks as if he has been winded, as if he thought I would never get over him. “So you have no feeling whatsoever?” I did not know how to deal with this, I never thought in a million years Trent would try to crawl his way back to me. “Trent, if you had asked me this question six months after you had that last phone call with me I would have told you yes. If you had even asked me even a year after that phone call I would have maybe said yes. But understand this, its been two years Trent, I waited for you to call me, to say something, to even breathe a note of acknowledging my existence but nothing happened. You were gone from my life Trent, and to be honest I was starting to like it.” Trent looks as if he had not swallowed any of these words but let them hang around in the air in front of him. “Jing, don’t say that. You don’t mean it” trying to shoot down my words, “You cannot possibly like this guy as much as you liked me? Come on I know you still care, even if a little.” I never saw this side of Trent before, the vulnerable side which he kept below his cool exterior. I took a deep breath and began to compose the final words to end this conversation with Trent. I had thought over and over for months after Trent said we should end everything. I had cried, I had bitched, I had complained, I had longed, I had ached, I had shouted and I had questioned about everything that was Trent. I was telling the truth, if this had been one year later from that painful point I probably would have fallen in his arms and returned the feelings that had reverberated off my walls. However, this was no longer true, I no longer felt what I did. So I had to bare my soul. “Trent, no, I don’t like you anymore, you broke my heart….” He suddenly interjected, “I know I’m so sorry, if I could take it back I’d-” I interrupted him, “No, listen! I do not want you anymore. Do you know what you did to me? For a month you pursued me, you pretended to care for me. Then, you shut me out completely, and acted as if I was in the wrong. You acted as I was the one who had been wrong about ever developing any feelings for you, as if I was some silly school girl with a crush on you. You belittled me, you made me feel so alone. You were so cruel, you knew what you were doing the whole time but yet you didn’t show any compassion. Trent I wanted to hate you! But I couldn’t because you had my heart, how could I hate someone who had my heart?” I sighed and looked at the dashboard. “Trent, for once in my life I am happy here in Thailand. I once thought you would be part of my life here in Thailand, the reason for my happiness. But you know what? I am happy! I also have someone who cares for me, he does not know it yet but I’m in love with him, I love him so much. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be cruel but that’s the truth. I want nothing to do with you Trent.” Having said that I felt as if a great weight had been lifted, Trent just stared at the empty space in his hands as if there was some imaginary heart in place, “I had your heart?” I look at him, “Emphasis on “had” Trent,” he clasped his hands shut trying to preserve the imaginary heart. I could not stand being in the car any longer. “I’m going, I have nothing left to say to you, thanks for driving me home. Please don’t bother me again about this.” He suddenly asks, “do you hate me Jing? Honestly do you?” I reach for the door handle while gently pulling it towards me, “I did, but it didn’t last for long. So no, I don’t hate you. I just wish you knew what you had done to me before, how you had torn my world apart.” With that I left him to his car. I walked towards my building while fighting every urge to watch him drive away. Instead I smiled to myself and thought, I got into that car with unfinished business but walked out free from obligation, it is finally over.